Week 9 - Speculative

Times when I am doing something particularly boring or mundane I usually allow my mind to wander and think back on my life.  Looking back it's like looking up a large tree, the wide solid trunk is the now of my life solid and whole, buried beneath the surface the collective knowledge and nourishment are supplied by tendrils of the past,  and the branching limbs above and ahead of me are the various avenues open awaiting to be chosen.  I picture my tree of life and wonder if it would be quite so solid and round if I had done this, or not done that? Would it have smoother bark, less gnarls and knots in the wood, or would it have failed to thrive and be pitifully thin, awaiting a windy Maine storm to snap it in half or pull the roots up all together?  My husband calls it my What-if game.  He sees the glaze in my eyes as I wash the dishes or fold the laundry and ask what I am deleting from my life.  He doesn't understand the draw is not to delete from my life, but to wander through the alternate lives I might have lived if I had made different or better -or worse- decisions.  Since I am a firm believer in the adage of "Older and Wiser"  I feel that the wisdom I have gained allows me to reflect and determine if I was wrong or right, foolish or wise, hasty or thoughtful.

A recurring theme in my idle musing is the changes that my life would reflect had I not re-met my husband several years after we had broken up from our high school romance.   Invariably this line of thought leads to the eventual conclusion that I was indeed extremely fortunate that fate peeked down and aligned our lives to reconnect. Being rather cynical or, as I like to say, realistic, I then peek ahead to ponder my future should fate decide to withdraw that blessing from my life.  What would I do if my hubby were to leave, or heaven forbid, to die? 

I am the mother of four wonderful children, certainly a handful but an amazing group even if I do say so.  I am also a full time student at the moment, in the hopes that one day I can get a real grown-up job that will supplement our single family income.  Of course I am also a full time student because my children are full time students.  My youngest son, the next-to-youngest total, is currently in the fifth grade but was diagnosed with special needs when he was 3 three years old.  There are no ready-made after school programs or daycare centers for kids who require the constant one-on-one supervision - thus the stay at home mom/student status I currently enjoy.  Enjoy.  I do actually enjoy being home for my children, regardless of the snarky comments about third grade math homework and the constant mom taxi duties.  And while it is fulfilling and I think important for parents, rather than daycares and babysitters, to raise their children, I also know that someday there will come a time when my children will not need me to be there when they get off the bus.  Being a stay-at-home mom is important to me but being a stay-at-home wife is not on my list of things I want to do.

If suddenly I were to become a single mother of four, I would seriously need to re-evaluate my lifestyle.  I would obviously have to begin working to support my family.  Who would I find that could care for my children and keep them safe and happy?  Would I be able to find a job that would allow me to spend as much time at home while my kids were home and awake.  With the current scarcity of decent paying jobs, it would more likely be not one but two jobs that would be needed.  If I were able to find two jobs to juggle together, I wouldn't even know where to begin looking for childcare for my kids.  I know that I would be playing the lotto every week to keep from paying 3/4 of that second check for said care. 

Would my older sons begin to drift away from the lack of a male role model?  My oldest will be off to college in a year or so, so he perhaps would avoid significant damage from the lack of father at home, but what about my second son?  I would be studying sporting updates hard and long (and mostly unsuccessfully, I'm sure) to fill the shoes of my hubby.  Long nights of off color jokes and wrestling matches would unfortunately be out.  Would he be able to talk to me like one of the guys as he struggles with girls, grades, and life in general through high school?  Seriously I doubt it.  I guess ultimately my kids would most likely have to accept that while our life had changed, I would still be the same ol' mom that I was before.  Certainly I would be trying harder, stressing more, and doing everything possible to make up the difference, but we would still be missing a vital piece of our lives. 

As I have told my children so many times, certainly there are times when people change their lives, but more often than not, the things in your life change you.  It's those darn roots that feed the trunk of the "life tree".   While you think you can pick and choose which branch you will travel into the future, it's the roots that can determine the width and breadth of those branches, and whether they will carry you further onward, or snap suddenly under your feet leaving you to begin again with the present.